no-bo-dy

ok really. i comment on a status that is like “what’s going on tonight”

and i say something that shows potential interest in attending something with the person who posted the status

and then this girl that’s been pushing people out of my circle of friends responds only to the person who made the status, and says “yo evan we’re going to go to that field party”

we used to be best friends and she triggered my eating disorder, my self harm, and ugh

being in the same general vicinity of someone else who has an eating disorder is so triggering. i was driven home by a friends’ sister who i found out by mistake had a laxative problem, and i couldn’t help but notice how delicate she was and i just purged a litre of milk for that reason

what the fuck

the boxes of pens, nail polish, whatever on my shelf, are empty

not actually, but really when it comes down to it, if i needed something, it wouldn’t be nail polish

looking all around me everything is so damned empty in that same way

i can’t help but think of myself that way too

everything is empty

want to cut off my eyes and my breasts and my hips and my stomach

i don’t want to be a girl or a woman or a boy or a man

i don’t want to be

tanning in booths makes me feel so damned relaxed. and i feel so much happier after i do it. i know it’s unhealthy, but honestly i really don’t even care at this point if it shortens my life, i was intending on shortening my own life before i decided to tan